So on NYE in NYC me and Hex got into a fight (as it often happens with couples who attempt to go out on NYE).  And I remember just saying to him “Because it all ends. It all ends. It’s all going to go to shit soon. And I just want this one moment. Let me have this one moment.” And then it was 2013 and in my mind I knew 2013 was going to be an odd year.  

My first thought of 2013 was….’My mom is going to die this year.’ I knew it in my heart and soul that nothing was giving me another year with my mom on Earth.

And she did die…1/1/2013. So , yes, I’m going to guilt you motherfuckers into doing something nice for your mom tomorrow. Because I don’t have one…go treat yours to something awesome. Even if it’s just a phone call. They’ll appreciate it. It doesn’t take much to please a mother. If your have a mom then be lovely to her. 

Putting this on the personal blog instead of the Benedict one….

I’ve leveled out on the excitement thing because now I’m like whoa what if I got tickets to the wrong taping (they’re doing two tomorrow)?

And what if I’m too tired to hang around for 5 bloody hours just to see benedict frikkin cumberbatch?

And is it nuts that I’m chatting with very young girls on the internet about meeting up to stalk him (I have horrible thoughts about screaming “omg I’m not a pedobear!”) ?

And am I too old for this shit?

And is my bf going to break up with me if I keep talking about another man every day?

And all other sorts of worries that I probably shouldn’t let myself have.

For some odd reason…..since today I’ve been so happy…. I keep thinking of my saddest moment this year…my mom dying.

And I think it’s because I’m worried that no matter what I end up doing this year and no matter how many happy days I make….it will forever be the year that my mom died.

So ya know….

I wrote a long post and deleted it. Let’s just sum it up with “Ooof.” Confronting your own prejudice is fuckin hard. No wonder most people just happily go through life being a-holes.

My top 2 favorite songs of all time are instrumentals. Some would even say “happy” instrumentals. 1) Canon in D 2) Clair De Lune 

American Football- Never Meant [ This used to be me and my ex’s favorite song. Erm I just finally read the lyrics]

let’s just forget
everything said
and everything we did
best friends, better halves, goodbyes

and the autumn night
when we realized
we were falling out of love

We get these little recognition cards at work when someone writes one for you. So I got two today from people I used to work with. These days they have a new person. She is actually not good at her job and is rather rude on top it. Anyhoo at the end of each of the recognition the people wrote “we really miss you” and “We wish you would come back” .  

Thing is they post these awards up for everyone in the office to see but I think it would be mean for her to read that her new team essentially hates her because she does a bad job. So I said “yeah don’t post those please because I think it would make new girl feel bad about herself”.

So yeah I think Ayn Rand would hate me.

Also I don’t get enough credit for thinking about other people’s feelings.

Because like the person in question is REALLY mean to me. She says horrible things about me but still I do things like not let my recognition be posted so she won’t feel bad about herself.

As bitchy as I am…I also do try to think of others

New Girl has me thinking of first times. I have a great story. Okay ready for my story?

BFF/BF: “Who else are you going to lose it to?”

Me: *shrugs*

Virginity Gone!

I think I am so in love with myself

That anything that makes me doubt myself

Is incredibly hard to deal with

So that’s why when something makes me feel not as awesome as I so very much am

It causes a hard fuckin spiral. Way more than it should.

That prolly isn’t very healthy.

I should do something about that.

I can’t…I can’t go see Benedict Cumberbatch. I’d..no. I can’t do this. I’d act like an idiot.

I got so excited.

But no.

I just. I can’t.

I’d hate myself in the morning.

I’ve met a lot of famous people.

meghantonjes:

THIS IS EVERYTHING.

This quote keeps bugging me. I know John Green is our tumblr god. What is David actually? He’s um… wait…John is Moses and David is god? Okay yes that makes more sense.

Anyhoo what I want to say is just because it “hurts” doesn’t mean it’s important. I really want people to know that. Now I haven’t seen the video. I’ve only seen this gif set reblogged on my dash a lot so maybe in the video he gets more in depth but I had to say this.

You will cry your eyes out over a lot of shit that just doesn’t matter. They’re not all important. In fact many times they’re not.

The hope is that eventually you learn the difference. The hope is that you eventually invest in things that hurt because they matter.

So I just had to say that. Not that I have a billion followers but for that one person who thinks every thing hurts for a reason…that’s not always the way.

Sometimes you’re letting things matter that don’t. Sometimes your brain is telling you that it matters when it doesn’t. Sometimes you need help realizing what is the difference. But anyhoo 

Every day you have to make the decision to try. Every day you have to make the decision to be yourself. And it’s fuckin hard but dammit all to hell…I’m staking everything on the bet that it’s worth it to keep trying. As hard as it is. It’s got to be worth it to keep going.

I was listening to Dan Harmon today and he said something to the effect of write something that will make you go “Whoa WTF was that? THAT WAS AWESOME!!!”

And then I wrote a quick two season summary of the show I want to run one day.

And it is AWESOME

And it might never happen

But it if did then I can safely say that everyone on tumblr would fuckin love it.

Yeah so I did this and…it’s almost exclusively Johnlock/Cumberbatch

I don’t even know how that’s possible.

I don’t think I even post Johnlock on this blog.

But that REALLY is my life these days.

How does google knooooooooow?

If my brain was a person I’d punch it.

Oh.

“Someone like you” used to make me cry every fuckin time.. It brought to front all the feelings over my ex.

I simply hated the idea of being forgotten like I didn’t matter to him at all.

But the fun thing is the song was the final, final thing to get me over my ex.

Like it took fucking ages. I was happy and in a new relationship shortly after we broke up but I still had a lot of emotions over the whole thing.

We were together for many years and he was my best friend. So it hurt.

So I’m crying at a drag queen show  one night while one of the beautiful ladies are lip-synching the song and then finally I just cried in public over the whole thing. And I just felt…so much better.

Like after that I knew I was just done. I had officially ended the mourning period. We were different people and I was with someone who really rather loved me and I loved him as well.

Life moves on. Hearts are broken and healed.